Ghostly Guides
by mrastounding
Summary: based off GeminiEarthDragon's "Falling Phantom" story line; Remember how Dipper and Mabel have their "Guide to Life/The Unexplained"? This is my take on how Dani gets involved in it; contains survival tips given by our favorite female Halfa, along with segments of the Mystery Twins; accepting requests
1. Mabel's Guide to Dating

Chapter 1

Mabel: And that concludes Mabel's Guide to Fitness, with Waddles: the jog hog. (pan over to Waddles on a tredmill) You want that sundae? You've got to JOG for it, jog hog! (smiles at the camera) Look at his little shorts

Cue theme song

Mabel: Today: Mabel's Guide to Dating! As we all know, I'm a dating expert. In fact, I can't get the boys to leave me alone.

Zack (actually a cardboard cutout held up by Mabel): Mabel, I love you so much baby! Why won't you let me into your life?

Mabel: You know what you did, Zack! (looks at the camera) Today, we're going to test the date-ability of four of Gravity Falls swingin'est singles: Soos!

Soos: Get ready to fall in love, America! Am I...am I looking at the right camera?

Mabel: Dipper!

Dipper: Who are you even making this for?

Mabel: Grunkle Stan!

Stan: I'm only here because you promised bacon. (gets thrown a piece of turkey bacon, which he catches in his mouth) I'm pacified.

Mabel: And, for those foolish enough to think I'm not their type, our featured bachelorette: Dani!

Dani: How did I let you talk me into this again? (cut to a clothing store) Mabel, I respect you and all, but I'll go on a dating show before I even THINK about wearing a skirt. (cut back to the Mystery Shack) Got to remember to choose my words more carefully.

Mabel: And now a simple 9000 question dating quiz.

Stan: Should men always pay for dinner? What is this: Russia?

Soos: How many kids would you like to have? Seven, perferably: that's one to love, every day of the week.

Dipper: How do you treat the opposite gender? Make sure you don't do anything to upset them, obviously. (smirks) I'm SO nailing this.

Dani: What is one question you never ask during a date? (frowns) How am I supposed to choose just one?

Mabel: While they're busy working, we give you...ANIMAL DATING!

Deep voice of some sort: (frogs are seen) TOAD-ALLY dating! (an owl is spooked) HOOT do you love? (squirells attack Mabel) Together FUR-EVER!

Mabel: The results are in! Grunkle Stan, on a scale of one to five, you scored a three.

Stan: YES! YES!

Deep voice of some sort: DATABLE!

Mabel: This will limit your dating pool to widows, lady plumbers, and convicts.

Stan: I still consider this a victory.

Mabel: Dipper, your score is...actually not as bad as one of the LAST people I tested (cut to some random guy taking the test as Mabel is still working on it and using as a tissue before handing it back) Ewww! (cuts back to the Mystery Shack) Anyway, scores don't really matter: you should just focus on being you.

Deep voice of some sort: QUESTIONABLE!

Mabel: Okay, Dani: let's see how you did with YOUR score. (Cue the sound of glass breaking) WOW! It's like you've spent a good amount of time with some wierdo who was in love with a married woman and is in desperate need of a cat or two.

Dani: (nervous laughter) Is it?

Dipper: (curious look) The town REALLY needs to find another place to play baseball around here (cut to a shot of a broken window with a baseball in the shot)

Mabel: (cut back to Dani and company) Worry about that later, bro-bro. (clears her throat) Anyway, Dani, you've managed a score similar to that of Dipper, but let's hope for better times.

Deep voice of some sort: WOMAN OF MYSTERY!

Mabel: Soos, on a scale of one to five, you scored...a TWELVE?

Soos: My grandmother was right all along: I am the world's most perfect man. (cue angelic music, light, and doves)

Deep voice of some sort: TOTAL HUNK!

Mabel: Love is all around us, and if it seems you two aren't the right fit...FORCE IT! (notices something) Oh no! The Squirrels! They're back! Aaah! Save me, Mr. Rhino! Save me!

Next time: Dani's Guide to Survival: Collecting Water

Author's note

Before you ask, I DID get permission to do this. If there are any questions on where I got this idea from, well, Gemini's Falling Phantom Tumblr DOES say that Dani at least knows about the videos that MABEL shoots, so I'd like to assume that she likes to be involved in the "Guide to" thing. Also, while it's true that I'll be using existing shorts, I'll ALSO be getting into a few of my own design. Until then, have a little patience. Til next time, remember that if you bring a snack, you've better have brought enough for everybody.


	2. Dani's guide to Survival: Water

Author's note:

I know that I said that this would be about COLLECTING water, but lately I've been thinking I shouldn't over-complicate things, so I didn't... Anyways, enjoy

Chapter 2

Dani: This video may display certain courses of action that could be hazardous to your health: do NOT attempt to copy what you see here unless you absolutely have to or without the supervision of a responsible party on hand

Mabel: Responsible party? Is there going to be cake? Hey: I recognize this thing!

Dani: (pauses) Wait, what? (notices what her friend is doing) Mabel, no: put that crossbow down! Mabel! (camera feed turns to static)

Soos: (voice-over) We are currently experiencing technical difficulties: we apologize for this delay and hope that this title sequence I made up will help you wait it out...

(cue techno remix of the theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" with footage of Gravity Falls wildlife being shown on screen)

Dani: Hello, and welcome to Dani Motnahp's Guide to Survival: the only wilderness survival show filmed and produced by a little girl who's spent nearly all her life doing so (eyes widen slightly) Surviving: I meant surviving, not that I have anything against those who film or produce survival shows but...ACH! (camera feed turns to static for a while) Today, we'll be focusing on what is arguably the most important part of surviving in the wilderness

Mabel: Enjoying the wilderness!

Dani: (sheepish grin) Ladies and gentlemen, my co-host, Mabel Pines (clears her throat) And while it IS true that nature is FULL of wonders, the fact remains that getting lost in the woods is no laughing matter; now it's true that, like most people, I've heard the conventional wisdom that when you get lost you are supposed to stay put, but the fact remains that sometimes this isn't an option, which is why I hope to give you some advice for if and when this will become the case, so that in the end you too can find your way back to civilization

Dipper: (from behind the camera) Wait if you know about staying put, why are you always...?

Dani: (glaring at the camera) Moving on! (clears throat) As I was saying, not everyone has the same level of survivability, but no matter how much knowledge on the subject you have, all human beings have the same basic needs

Mabel: I think I NEED to eat this entire bag of gummy worms! (pulls out a bag larger then her)

Dipper: Wait, Mabel! (runs past Dani to try and stop her)

Dani: (chuckles) Regardless of my co-host's randomness, she actually brought us into the fold, as hunger IS one of our bodily needs, as is clothing and shelter; however, you can be living inside the palace of the Queen of England, wearing the latest fashions, and dining on enough food to satisfy the army and you STILL wouldn't last too long; you want to know why?

Mabel: (coughs a bit) Ugh, I forgot how stale these were: my throat is killing me...

Dani: (smirks a bit) Yep, you guessed it: even in the best of conditions, the human body can only last a little more than four days tops without water... (we find ourselves by the lake) Fortunately, it's unlikely that you'll be finding yourself on a desert island in the middle of a vast expansion of salt water or something to that degree; however, finding water is only HALF the equation: the rest of it is making sure the water is safe to drink; to help illustrate my point, I've asked a few of my comrades to prepare a gallon of water I supplied for them from this lake behind me in any way they think is fitting; let's see how they are doing, shall we? (cue static)

Mabel: (singing a joyful tune as she blissfully prepares her specialty "Mabel Juice")

Stan: (looks on edge as he prepares his water for boiling) We're not going to be doing a taste test are we?

Dipper: (setting up what looks to be some sort of home-made filter) Dani just said that she didn't plan on anyone going to the hospital today...

Soos: (nods) I would hope not (looks at some dirty looking water) though this water looks terrible, what with all the leaves and twigs, not to mention the frogs and fish...

Wendy: (concerned) Uh, Soos: that's the aquarium I bought recently to help liven the Shack up a bit... (points to a jug of water that looks kind of murky) THAT'S the water you're supposed to prepare for drinking quality...

Soos: (realizes his mistake) Oh, well, that's easy then (takes out a sieve and uses it as he pours the water into another container, making it slightly less murky looking) Okay, this might take a while...

Wendy: (shakes her head) Dude, somehow I doubt it's that easy (takes out a coffee filter, does something similar, but adds some droplets of solvent into the mix; suddenly looks worried) There isn't a time limit on this, is there? (cue static)

Dani: Let's see how they've done (looks at the groups water samples, noting the technique each person used) Okay, first off, I'd like to commend everyone for not copying a method the others were using; however, I'm afraid that there were a few tactical errors in the preparations that were used (looks at Mabel) Keeping a positive out-look is great to have in ANY situation, but I know that there have been a few complaints from drinking what Stan over here says "is like coffee and nightmares had a baby", and that's when you're using water that you KNOW is safe; one of the first rules of survival is to never take risks unless you KNOW that they will be worth it in the end

Mabel: (scoffs) And I suppose you're going to tell me that everyone else took PERFECT risks...

Dani: (smirks) Not even close (points over at Dipper) This guy right here used a crudely put-together filter that he likely found the blueprints to on the internet; while I'll admit that it LOOKS safe to drink... (takes Dipper's water and pours it on a candy wrapper she took out of her back pocket, which proceeds to dissolve as result of the aforementioned course of action) Remember kids: looks can be deceiving, and not everything you find on the internet is necessarily true...

Wendy: (winces) I'm suddenly scared for my method...

Dani: A reasonable reaction, but don't worry: you only made a few REAL mistakes (takes the water Soos prepared) Like the handyman over here, you decided to filter your water; however, he made the mistake of thinking that it was the ONLY thing he needed to do

Soos: (face-palms) I knew it wasn't clean enough

Dani: (nods) Yes, but not in the way you think; after all, as Dipper demonstrated, just because the water LOOKS clean doesn't necessarily mean that it's safe to drink (points to the aquarium from earlier) And as Wendy's attempt at decoration shows, twigs and leaves aren't the only thing in the water that has the potential to make a person sick (gestures back to Wendy) Miss Conroy here had the right idea to filter it and THEN to take care of anything that could cause a person to get sick, but made the mistake of using chemicals to do so: not only do they take a long time to take full effect, but in a survival situation, even in the best case scenario the chemicals you brought with you will only last for a limited amount of time

Stan: (sighs) Well, I knew that there'd be complaints...

Dani: Hold on a second, Stan, because I may have forgotten to mention that this was a competition of sorts, and even though you still have a few problems to go over with your method, YOU are the winner of said competition!

Stan: (shocked) Wait, what?

Dani: (smirks) Out of all the people here, YOU were the only person who even CONSIDERED boiling the water; even WITH the mistake of forget to filter out the stuff that will obvious make actually DRINKING the water awkward, this is, by far, the best method to use when out in the wilderness, because as long as there is stuff to burn, there WILL be a way to start a fire to use for warming the water up a bit

Stan: (confused) So, if this was a competition, what did I win?

Dani: (smirking) Well, seeing as water makes it easier to digest your meals... (cue static)

Dipper (shown grudgingly washing dishes with the others in Greasy's Diner): How did you even arrange for Lazy Susan to agree to having all of us washing dishes to pay for our meals here for a week?

Dani: (smirks) I have my ways... (looks at Stan, who is finishing another piece of pie) ...and I see YOU are enjoying yourself

Stan: (shrugs) I never say "no" to a good meal, especially one I apparently don't have to pay for

Wendy: (pats Dipper on the back) Don't be too hard on her: we've probably being given a glimpse into a life she had for a LONG time

Mabel: (sighs) I'll just be glad when this is all over

Dani: (smiles) And on that note, thanks for watching "Dani Motnahp's Guide to Wilderness Survival"; remember, the only thing better than being able to survive in the wilderness is being able to escape the wilderness (cue the power in the building going out) Speaking of wilderness: Susan, I think a raccoon or two got into the fuse box again! (camera cuts out for the last time)

Next time: Mabel's Guide to Color

Author's note:

Just to get this out of the way, the stuff I put here are based off the things I found in my old Boy Scout Handbook; also, for those of you wondering, Motnahp is what Gemini has been using as Dani's last name in his/her canon. Until next, remember that if your reading stuff online, it doesn't hurt to learn something while doing so...


	3. Mabel's Guide to Color

Chapter 3

Mabel: (Laughing) …and that's Mabel's Guide to Laughing for an Uncomfortable Amount of Time. (brief pause) Uh oh: here comes some more! (starts laughing again, with Dipper looking uncomfortable and Dani banging her head against a desk in the background)

(cue theme song)

Mabel: Today: Mabel's guide to: Color! (cut to Mabel next to a slide projector and projector screen) Ah, color: it's all around us. (slides change to show Dipper suffering from motion sickness) From the green of a noxious twin brother, (…a close up of Stan's face) to the weird orange of an old man's nose, (,,,a shot of Dani, blushing on account of being caught singing a song of some sort) to the vibrant red of an embarrassed best friend, (…and finally a photo of Soos inside the bathroom) to the beautiful sky blue of toilet water.

Soos: (points from off-screen) I'm in that one!

Mabel: Yes you are, Soos (changes slides) …but it wasn't always this way (the slide changes to a newspaper clipping from the Great Depression) According to history, the world was black and white until color was invented (newspaper paper suddenly shows clear evidence of being altered by someone *cough*Mabel*cough*) …by a magic wizard named Krandoff the Fabulous. What's YOUR favorite color, Gravity Falls?

Pacifica (standing it a place that obviously mixed red into their load of whites): (smiles) Hot Pink

Grenda: Beige!

Dipper: (not paying attention) Wendy (suddenly paying attention) Wait: what was the question again?

Soos: (in a golf cart) Lasers. Ooh, or liquid metal. Does leopards count as a color?

Wendy (sitting with her family in a plaid setting, literally): (nonchalant) Flannel

Soos: (still in the golf cart) Okay, okay: I've narrowed it down to Aurora Borealis, camoflauge…

Candy: Magic Vision Poster (no points for guessing what she holds up while saying this)

Gompers: (simply bleats, but the caption reads "burgundy")

Dani: (holding an orange) ORANGE you glad it's edible (winces even as she starts to peel it) Fudge nuggets: it's contagious (groans even as she takes a bite, for some reason)

Stan (who's packing a suitcase for some reason): None

Mabel: What?

Stan: I don't have a favorite color: I don't even LIKE colors

Mabel: Not even RAINBOWS?

Stan: Beats me: I've never seen a rainbow

Mabel: WHAT?! (declares a "Color Emergency" before gathering up Dipper, Candy, Gredna, and Dani, the latter of whom is playing with Waddles) Alright guys, how can we get Grunkle Stan to see a rainbow? I need ideas, people!

Grenda: Sometimes when I drink expired milk, I see rainbows. I'm going try right now! (takes a gallon of expired milk and starts to drink it, which I wouldn't recommend)

Dani: (taps her chin as Waddles starts to, well, waddle away) I think I could make it happen, but I'm going to need a rubber chicken, a length of garden hose, and some glue; don't worry: the glue isn't what you think it's for…

Dipper: (nervous) Uh, how about no?

Candy (takes out some paper and draws on it): (shows the drawing to the camera) What if we reflect the rainbow from the falls into Stan's window?

(Candy and Dipper collectively go "Yeah" and high five as Dani begins to sulk)

Grenda: Yeah! (falls forward and drops off into slumber soon afterwards)

Candy: It's fine: she does this

Dani: (sighs) I'll get the first aid kit (cue static)

Mabel: Okay: despite a few silent complaints from my sweater buddy, we're ready to unleash the full power of the "Roy-G-Biv-Atron" into Stan's office (we briefly cut to Candy and Dipper reflecting the rainbow in the direction of the Shack)

Stan: (walks in carrying a pair of sunglasses) No idea why Dani said I might need these… (shrugs and tosses them aside) Anyway, nothing seems to brighten a dark room like light from a window: time to open the window… (opens the shades to reveal a blinding rainbow light) Oh no! Why!? Why is this happening!?

Mabel: Ta-dah! Surprise!

Stan: My eyes are on fire! (begins to yell out in pain)

Mabel: Maybe we over did it a little bit…

Stan: (still yelling) Oh it's so hot it hurts! (begins to yell out in pain again; cue static)

Dani: (helping the others bandage Stan's eyes) I was JUST going to distract Stan with a rubber chicken glued to a wall and then use the hose to CREATE a rainbow: what did you THINK I was planning?

Dipper: Well I thought your plan was…uh, never mind: it's too weird, even by THIS town's standards…

Stan: (grunts) Just get those bandages nice and tight: I'm not giving my life savings to some quack doctor!

Dani: I hate to say I told you so, but… (snorts) Who am I kidding? I actually quite enjoy it…

Stan: (waves a hand) Yeah, yeah: my bad for not taking your warning at face value…

Mabel: That's it for today! Join us next week where we'll be doing "Mabel's Guide to Apologizing to your Great Uncle."

Stan: I hate color more than EVER!

Mabel: He's just saying that (whispers) Cut it; CUT IT! (cue static)

Next time: Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained: Gruncle Stan's Tattoo


End file.
